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October 23, 2007So yesterday was the day that I could not win. It all started on Sunday night when I talked to Jill on the phone. She gave me LBD over the phone!! I didn't even know it could cross phone lines like that? WTF? Here's some pictures: Darren is from Ohio, which means his whole family has their own league and they were probably state champions like 12 times. There I am, after rolling another gutter ball: Ok, stop showing off: Here I go: Worst bowler ever: Knuckles: After bowling Molly & I went to Union Pool and I gave LBD to an entire bar of unsuspecting hipsters. Sorry about that. At least I don't have to suffer alone. The rest of the evening is a bit fuzzy so here is Molly to give an account of it, to the best of her abilities: Union Pool is a great place to meet people, especially if you can tolerate foul-mouthed, unwashed, oversexed, creepy dudes with extremely tight pants and terrible manners. As always, these types were in abundance last night at Union Pool, so maybe Jocelyn and I were actually doing the world a favor by spreading the LBD we contracted from Jill to everyone at the bar. These people should not be having sex! What if they actually procreated? Can you imagine the little monsters that would spring from their loins? The horror. After Joc got everyone's attention by telling them she had infected them with LBD and they were never going to have sex again, and after I alienated a whole group of flannel-shirted, skinny-jeans-wearing, sideburned bar patrons by complaining that I missed the south because "even the poor people there have good manners" (note to self: do not go around saying things like this in Brooklyn anymore), we met the two people whom we now consider to be the foremost exponents of Williamsburg Distastefulness. And no--it's not the guy in this picture picking his nose. We can't remember these dudes' names, so Joc and I have decided to call them Earl and Rover. Earl descended upon us first, sidling up to Jocelyn after sensing her loneliness and despair. He started giving her a lecture, saying (false and nonsensical) things like "You're a single woman in New York! The world is your oyster!" (OK maybe he didn't use the exact words "the world is your oyster," but that was the basic idea.) I looked at him like he was crazy and said something like "What the fuck are you talking about? Do you have any idea how much it sucks to be a single woman in New York! Maybe if she was a man it would make sense for you to be telling her how awesome it is to be single but you are an idiot!" And then he told Jocelyn not to listen to me, because I was obviously a bitter old maid and I was trying to bring her down with me into self-loathing spinsterhood. Joc and I ran away into the bar to get away from Earl, whose jeans were so tight, they looked like they could be part of a Robin Hood costume. All he needed was a quiver of arrows. But then the bar closed, and the staff kicked us out and we were left stranded on the street under the BQE with--who else?--Earl, who now had his friend Rover with him. Rover was a tall, stocky, somewhat oafish fellow, unassumingly dressed in an anorak and jeans that actually looked like jeans instead of tights. They offered to walk us back to Joc's place, and in our state of drunken naivete we agreed that this was a good idea. We had no idea what an appalling experience we were in for. So we get back to Jocelyn's place and for some reason, we decide it's a good idea to invite Earl and Rover up to the Skybar for a nightcap. Here's a sampling of the charming conversation that followed: Scene I. Molly: OH my GOD!!! That is so inappropriate. I can't believe you are telling us this. Why do you think we want to hear about this? What is WRONG with you! ROVER: I just really love pussy!! EARL: (to Molly) You really should have sex with him. Are you gonna? MOLLY: No! ROVER: Why not?!?! MOLLY: Because I no longer do anything I wouldn't want to tell my mom about. Or Jocelyn's mom. EARL: She wants a ring, dude.
ROVER: (five minutes later, to Molly) Want me to show you where I pissed? MOLLY: No! ROVER: You don't? MOLLY: What the fuck kind of thing is that to ask somebody? Why would I want to see where you pissed? I don't want to go anywhere near where you pissed. EARL: That's just his way of saying he wants to be alone with you for a little bit. Why don't you take a little walk with him? He probably wants to kiss you. You two go for a walk. (To Jocelyn:) He's a really talented painter. JOC: Argh.
MOLLY: uh...no...I actually forgot. I just wore two shirts. ROVER: Yeah it looks like you're kind of cold. (He reaches out to grab Molly's boob, but she swats his hand away.) MOLLY: What the hell is that? Scene IV. JOC: Um I don't think so. EARL: You two aren't going to change into negligees and get into a pillow fight for us? JOC: (completely disgusted) No. Ugh. (to Molly:) I'm so depressed. EARL: How about the four of us all sleep in the same bed? MOLLY: How about not. EARL: We could build a fort out of blankets! It'll be fun! JOC: I do love building forts. Wait! No. Scene V. (back stairwell.) ROVER: OK, but I'll have to be drunk. MOLLY: And why is that. ROVER: That's just how I rolllll. ROVER: (calling up the stairwell) I love you!!! -THE END- Now hopefully you all are beginning to understand what we have to deal with here. It is pretty bleak sometimes. ~~Molly!! Thank you Molly for allowing us all to relive the nightmare. AHA AHAHA HAAH AH HA AH AHAHAA HAHAH h AH AH AHH AhAha Ciao, Jocelyn October 23, 2007 02:57 PM CommentsYou can't escape LBD - it may lay dormant in your system for years, but it's always there (it's all about suppression). I'm having a dramatic flair-up right now, but it is not so bad that I would lose all sense of reality and invite two such treasures to my home. Seriously Jocelyn, I can't wait to hear what your mom has to say about this! Shame on you! PS - Where is the picture of Knuckles wearing bowling shoes? I simply won't believe it until I see it. Posted by: Jill at October 23, 2007 06:26 PM look again! Knuckles is there in bowling shoes and a long skirt with no jewelry!!! Posted by: jocelyn at October 23, 2007 06:51 PM First - reset the iPhone, it seems to cure most curses. I even called Apple to confirm. Second - We need to get you a Wii. It's great for parties and will help with your bowling. Third - If you do have LBD, at least you look cute in bowling shoes. That can't be said for a lot of people. Posted by: Jenifer at October 23, 2007 07:37 PM wow that was a great story. those boys need to spend a weekend with jocelyn's mom. maybe she can teach a class. Posted by: paulie at October 23, 2007 07:40 PM Favorite line: JOC: I do love building forts. Wait! No. Molly needs a column. On dating etiquette for ugly hipsters, or something. I will start working on the banner right now. Posted by: deb at October 23, 2007 08:05 PM I don't think my Mom would even want to be in the same room as these guys. They are truly lost causes. MMmmmm, maybe I can get Molly to do a column?? Posted by: jocelyn at October 23, 2007 08:49 PM I love that Molly uses the word anorak. That made the post for me. And WHAT were you thinking when you invited them back?? They could have been serial hipster rapists. And given you gonorrhea (beacuse genital warts isn't ironic enough). But I thank you for doing so anyway because it gave rise to this post which I thoroughly enjoyed. I have a feeling I'm going to catch your LBD very soon... Posted by: Alexis at October 24, 2007 12:10 PM They were too skinny and drunk to overpower us in any way. The only regret that I have is not remembering to take their picture. It would have made the whole post perfect! Posted by: jocelyn at October 24, 2007 12:24 PM Ew. I am really glad you did not take their picture, Jocelyn. I actually remember what those guys looked like, and that memory does not need to be any more vivid. But anyway, here's an existential question for today: Can someone who wears an anorak still be a hipster? And to clarify: they weren't yet acting totally gross when we invited them up to the roof. I had actually bonded with Rover at that point because he is half-German and I was speaking to him in German. Which, of course, always makes Jocelyn think of Nazis, because in that way she is kind of like a WWII veteran.
Posted by: Molly at October 24, 2007 01:22 PM |
