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October 06, 2006
Tim here again, chiming in from the West Coast. It's been a weird trip back to my old neighborhood in SF. I used to live in this little shack-type cottage guesthouse in the Mission. The place was actually really cool and surrounded by a beautiful walled garden. Getting to this oasis was the difficult part. Officially, the address was 155 Caledonia St., but it should have been 155 Crackheroinhepatitisshit Alley. There's this latin tranny club, Esta Noche, at the end of the alley, where it meets 16th St. My neighbors knew I was a DJ and called the noise police on me a few times. When the fuzz came out to investigate, it was always that damn club. Anyway, I took a trip down that shit-encrusted memory lane yesterday, and how little it has changed freaked me out. People talk about how the Mission and Williamsburg are like Wild Turkey and Jim Beam, but they're ignorant. So glad I left you San Francisco. I Represent BROOKLYN. Sorry for that. We're here for etiquette dammit. I want to address the stalking question. If you are really being stalked by a maniac, I recommend getting big dogs, a bigger lawyer, a couple of tasers, and some mace. A video camera trained on the person pursuing you is not only a means of documenting the unwanted advances for evidentiary purposes, but it will probably provide hilarious entertainment later. Don't be afraid to turn the tables on your stalker by following him/her around with the camera, night vision goggles and microphones. If the so-called "stalking" is really just some kind of psycho-sexual fantasy or "crush", there's no need to take the extreme measures we've just discussed. In this case, a more nuanced approach is in order. Start by having people that know you plant patently false information in public forums about your body odor. Believe me, this works. Then, drop the bomb about your vestigial prehensile tail. Most people, unless they grew up in a freak show in the South, will cringe when you mention the fact that your amputated "friend" lives in a jar of ethyl alcohol underneath your bed, and that sometimes you still feel the phantom appendage when feeling particularly aroused or playful. Finally, if all else fails, just slut it up with as many disgusting partners you can find until the public perception is that you must have something that ends in -itis, -ydia, or -rhea. While I've never had to go this far, I've seen it work, and have in fact been disgusted and deterred myself. Tomorrow I'm headed out on a drive down the California coast to Los Angeles, where I will be stalking Paulie and World Famous DJ Jorge Castillo. Epic natural panorama and party pics to come. For those of you expecting to learn about safe words today, my apologies, that will have to wait for a later installment. Until then, remember: Manners Matter. October 6, 2006 02:42 PM CommentsI don't hate San Francisco, it is really pretty. But it is a place you can visit once and be done with it. Oh yeah the hippies ......do I need to go on? Yes, my maniac stalker was from San Fran and he was a hippie. Scary. Have a great time in LA, I've always been much more of a lo-Cal girl. Posted by: jocelyn at October 6, 2006 02:53 PM Tim, I'm 30 mins from San Francisco... sigh, to think what could have been.. Posted by: Cupcakes at October 6, 2006 02:57 PM Hey cupcakes - If you want to be a player, you have to get into the game. Posted by: Tim at October 6, 2006 03:02 PM Hi Tim. Posted by: Kendra at October 6, 2006 03:21 PM Kendra- You're not a beginner at all! If you find most people boring, you're on the right track already. In today's highly mobile and over-networked world, we meet thousands more people than our parents did, and the sad truth is that most of them are a waste of time. QUALITY OVER QUANTITY!!!!! Having said that, is there a specific issue you're having? Posted by: Tim at October 6, 2006 03:51 PM I cant be in the game if I dont know where we're playing it . Clearly i suck at stalking, had i been an actual stalker I would have known you were going to be around my area.. then I could have set my devious plan into motion..
Posted by: Cupcakes at October 6, 2006 04:14 PM I don't know about the slutting it up option – I guess it depends on the breed of your particular stalker. I tried that method one or two times, and it did nothing to dissuade my pursuer. In fact, I’m fairly certain it only gave the false hope that perhaps the stalker could be one of my unsuspecting partners. So I caution you all to be careful when adopting an anti-stalker strategy and explore all the options with your team of experts (fellow stalkers, obviously). Posted by: Jill at October 6, 2006 04:18 PM Or just do what I did. Call the cops, then you have cops in your apartment--potential new victims, I mean friends! Posted by: jocelyn at October 6, 2006 04:22 PM You don't have to slut it up. Just say it loud, say it proud. I got diarrhea! Posted by: Molly at October 6, 2006 06:17 PM This is good stuff. Aren't we all learning things and growing? Posted by: Tim at October 6, 2006 11:12 PM I think I'm being stalked by a ghost in my bedroom. What's the proper way to handle this situation? Posted by: Lauren at October 7, 2006 11:17 AM |
