September 28, 2006

Ladies and gentlemen I am proud and pleased to announce that Rockstar Diary correspondent, Tim, is going to be doing a weekly etiquette column. Feel free to write in questions for him and he will hopefully get all your modern day society questions answered.
Enjoy!

Tim's Time to Tell You The Truth

Good day, and welcome to the first in a new series of columns on navigating the travails of urban social life in the 21st century. Each week I will attempt to apply my own brand of Midwestern common-sense manners to the confusing and at times dangerous interpersonal demands that life in the big city incessantly heaps on us all.

The inspiration for and subject of each week's entry will be pulled from my daily life, or
better yet, from yours. Yes, you read correctly, I invite you, my dear readers, to send in questions, problems, and rants about playing well with others. Together, I know we can help each other out and learn to have fun while avoiding injury, jail time and/or community service.

To kick things off, let's focus on the bread-and-butter of social life in NYC, the house party.
This week we'll pay special attention to breaking the ice.

If you are invited to a gathering in someone's home, remember manners are important! By
scoring an invite, you have already gained access to a world of free drinks, approachable potential sexual partners, and probably a whole lot more. See, you're already ahead of all those pathetic losers at bars and bridge & tunnel clubs. Let's not blow it.

First and foremost, DON'T SHOW UP EMPTY-HANDED. Only louts, frat boys and cheap hookers come to a party without something for the host. Do you want to be identified as one of those? I think not. Booze is generally the most acceptable of offerings, but don't be afraid to get creative. Stop by your local merchant for some crazy Chinese party favors and DON'T FORGET THE BATTERIES.

You'll probably be meeting a whole heap of new people at the party. Many writers on etiquette would suggest making pleasant small talk with many of your fellow partygoers. I couldn't disagree more.
Small talk sucks. The correct tactic to take is to first make yourself a strong drink. Then, saunter casually into the crowd and scope for those who are at least visually interesting. While sipping bemusedly on your cocktail, eavesdrop on conversations. If you hear anyone talking about politics, film school, or "my great new emo band", AVOID THEM LIKE THE PLAGUE. Chances are, you'd rather stick your hand in the garbage disposal than get caught in a conversation with this type. If s/he approaches you, RUN LIKE HELL. For all you know s/he could be trying to slip you a roophie and then wrap you up in some kind of long-term relationship where 20 years down the line you're selling insurance in Jersey, shopping at Wal-Mart, and envying your kids' sex lives.
If you have successfully avoided the small-talk trap and found a prospective victim, I mean
friend, keep things above-board for the time being. Cordially offer a drink, make eye contact and continue to size up the potential rewards and dangers of letting someone into your social cipher. When you make the drink, POUR HEAVY. I recommend a standing eight-count. To make the drink palatable, remember: FIRST ICE, THEN BOOZE, THEN MIXER, AND ALWAYS STIR. While your companion is sipping and beginning to feel flush with the excitement of esprit-de-corps and imminent intoxication, bring up some amusing anecdotes about your superstardom at previous get-togethers, peppering your tales with hyphenated words like K-HOLE, STRAP-ON, AND CROSS-DRESSING. Keep tabs on the facial expression of your new friend. If you see horror and
disbelief followed by a hearty smile and laugh, you're in. If no laugh, smile or spit-take occurs,quickly move on to someone else, repeating the above process. YOU'VE STRUCK OUT ALREADY and there's no sense in wasting any more time or alcohol on this boring-ass, puritanical, closeted republican.

Next week: Escaping the party for the throes of passion, and the importance of SAFE WORDS.

Leave any etiquette questions you might have in the comments section!

Ciao,

Jocelyn

September 28, 2006 05:59 PM

Comments

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